About half way through my college career I learned that I struggle with varying levels of anxiety. Sometimes it was a tiny voice whispering in the back of my mind, sometimes it was the reason I was throwing up and dizzy, unable to think straight for no apparent reason. I’ll admit, while I was figuring out how to handle it amid the insanity that is college life, there was a part of me that expected it to go away when I was done with college. But here I am, sitting in a coffee shop, a month after graduating, and I still have anxiety.
My heartbeat is currently going slightly too fast. I can’t tell if it’s because I had coffee before having breakfast or if my chest is tightening because of some unknown threat my anxious subconscious is picking up. Maybe it’s because this is my first time writing about my anxiety. Yeah, let’s go with that one.
Like I said, I’m sitting in a coffee shop. It’s on the eastern side of Iowa, near where I am taking what I’m calling my “hibernation” or “sabbatical” if you will. I graduated college, did the whole christmas with my family thing, and then I went to Iowa to rest. College is hard. It is. And if you wanna message me and say “hey beka get over it adult life is even harder put your big girl pants on” go for it, but college is still hard. It wears you down. You’re doing a million things at once! Every time I would try to catch up with someone I end up leaving something out because my life was so busy! I was even in the extra credit club, taking more classes than most of my friends and enabling me to graduate early. It was insane. I was exhausted. So I’m resting.
I have spent my time a variety of ways, from writing a new song to watching half a season of supernatural on netflix. I started a book I bought for five dollars and learned that I don’t really like it so far. I wrote this blog post. I started and ditched a different blog post. I started watching the office on netflix as well. I spent time with one of my best friends and my grandparents. I went to a trampoline park with some kids from church. I took naps. I rested in whatever way felt right at the moment. I hibernated, rejuvenated, and renewed.
But I still had an anxiety attack the other night while trying to fall asleep. There was no reason for it. I had a relaxing day that day, other than a migraine the day had been super low-key. There was no reason for me to have a high heart rate and not be able to close my eyes. But it happened. I prayed and read my Bible, trying to calm down. I eventually fell asleep around 4:30am, after prayer journaling and writing some half-coherent poetry.
The next morning I was frustrated with myself. Annoyed that I could let my anxiety get to me in the middle of such a relaxing week. Annoyed that even in a life as stressless as could be, I could have an anxiety attack. Annoyed that it seems like my anxiety wasn’t just a thing of my busy college life, but something I would continue to struggle with. So I’m praying. I’ll be honest, this is something I’m just realizing and figuring out, but I love that I feel safe enough to share it with you, my internet friends.
So I hope this word vomit processing of my first month post grad lands somewhere with you, even if only understanding me a little more. I strive to be open and vulnerable with people. I thrive when I am telling people what is going on in my life, in my brain. If you have any questions, just ask. Comments? Go for it. Here is an invitation to speak into my life, while I hope I can do the same for you.